The Mixed Message You're Sending Your Teen (Without Knowing It)
Your teen is confused. Not because you’re trying to confuse them, but because… you know all of those competing priorities in your head? They’re not as much in your head as you think. You know what I’m talking about. You want the best for your kids—you want them to be successful, and you also want them to be happy. You want them to know you love them unconditionally, and you also want them to live up to their potential. There’s real tension there, and your teen is picking up on all of it.
Maybe this sounds familiar: you tell your kid you’re going to love them no matter what, and if they do their best, that’s enough. But then one day they come home with a B. What do you do? Do you say nothing? Do you congratulate them? (Maybe a B is a HUGE WIN for your kid!) Do you ask them how they feel like they did? (Do they feel like they put their best effort in?) Or do you ask them what they need to do to get it up to an A?
When you tell your kid that you won’t stop loving them if they don’t get an A, and then they don’t get an A… what happens next is really important. If your first step is asking them how they can get it up to an A, your teen’s nervous system is learning that grades actually really do matter to you, and it’s actually not ok for them to get a B. And not only that, they’re learning that you don’t always say what you mean.
Now, do I know that that question does not negate your love? Of course! I know you really want your kid to do well because you love them. But I have the benefit of a fully formed brain, the wisdom of many decades, and the blissfulness of not having middle school or high school pressures right now. Your teen is not absorbing your words (I mean, you can literally see it on their faces)—they are absorbing your behavior and your actions. The whole, “do as I say not as I do?” That was a lost cause when you were a teen, and it still is now.
So what do you do with that?
That might seem a bit hand-wavey, so here’s an example. How might you approach a conversation with your teen when they come home with an unexpected-to-you B? Generally speaking, leaning on questions can be useful—unless your teen experiences a lot of demand avoidance (or has a PDA profile), in which case we might reword these things into statements and choices.
Thank you for telling me!
This is useful, especially if your teen feels shy or nervous about telling you. This reaffirms to them that you do want to know, you’re interested, and you’re not shaken by the news.
How are you feeling about it?
This gives your teen a chance to reflect while giving them permission to prioritize their feelings over yours. If your teen has a hard time describing feelings, know that this is totally normal. Tools like a feelings wheel might help, or you can offer a few words that you think might apply and see if they land. Alternatively, see if they can use an analogy to another situation (or even one from a tv show or movie), name a color or song that “feels” right, or a bodily sensation. There are a lot of valid ways to feel.
How do you think you did in terms of effort?
At this point, there’s a lot you probably don’t know. In their answer to this question, you might find out that they really worked hard for this B, or you might find out that they actually got really behind on homework because of the school play, or you might find out they’re having a lot of trouble focusing. Whatever you learn, it will be useful. You’re also giving them practice for how to evaluate themselves—something that they’re going to have to do often as adults. This is where you can help them see themselves more clearly—what their strengths are, what their values are, and where they might need some extra support.
Are you satisfied with that grade?
Again, we’re not asking whether you are satisfied… but if they are. What are their goals? Are they trying to go to college? Are they trying to go to a specific college that has demanding requirements? Do they have plans to go into a trade or get into a more artistic career? Maybe they’re satisfied with that grade given everything else that was going on in life. Or, maybe they’re actually not satisfied and would like some support in figuring out how to raise the grade.
What would support look like to you right now?
They might have something very specific in mind—or they might say “I don’t know.” (In which case you can give them a menu of options.) But it’s always nice to give them the first shot. If they’re not sure, you can offer options. Options might include…
I can reaffirm how I feel about you (You love them! This hasn’t changed how you feel about them. You’re really proud of them—whether that’s because they worked so hard, managed to survive the semester despite whatever this one threw at them, or because of their level of introspection and reflection during this conversation.)
I can give you some space (They might have trouble accessing their own feelings or they might not know what kind of support they want until they have some space. Or, they might be totally fine and this conversation is too much and they just want to leave.)
We can brainstorm together how you might be able to raise the grade (if they’ve indicated they would like to do this)
We can collaborate on how to better prioritize your work next term (if they indicated this was a struggle)
I can help put this in perspective (for example, if you have a middle schooler worrying they’re never going to get into college, a little perspective might help)
Notice that all of our language started to revolve around your teen’s perspective and holding curiosity. It’s not that you can’t have feelings (you can and you will!), it’s that no matter what your feelings are, you are steady, you are calm, you are loving, and you are curious. You are helping them make sense of what happened, helping them determine if there’s anything still to do, helping them feel a sense of security in your relationship with them. You are attending to your own emotions while helping your teen attend to theirs.
As I’m sure you can guess, we’re not just talking about grades here. Teens have a way of surprising us in a variety of ways, and how you respond can have a big impact. When you’re able to slow yourself down before responding and get curious, your teen will feel the shift. Their nervous system will (eventually) get the message that, “ok, my caregiver is solid, isn’t judging me, accepts me, and can handle whatever I throw their way.”
This isn’t to say it’s easy—it isn’t, especially with your own kids, who have a unique talent for getting under your skin. Not only do they have feelings that come out sideways toward you, you also have your own hopes for them, dreams for them, and genuine concern for them. That's a lot to manage while trying to remain calm and curious. The good news is, adolescents can get the same, deep, nervous-system-level learning from other caring adults, too. If you’d like an assist, reach out.
